Song of the Selfish

My whole life I've heard that word: selfish. I can't pretend it doesn't hurt. When I was a kid, I didn't have a choice. Looking back, I had to make hard decisions that nobody should have ever had to make like do you get raped or does somebody else. It was just another mind game he liked to play, and when you're young, and been through it, of course you aren't going to choose yourself because you can't take any more.

Of course, later in life, my cousin talks about all she did to protect me and until recently I had no idea what she meant, but I do remember over and over how often she "reminded" me how "selfish" I was.


I hear it today too, too often. It's tended to break my spirit. It's when I saw this quote here ---------->
I came to understand why. It's a misunderstanding of how I relate, since I've never been cared for, since I've had to make these tough choices. It's my need to feel loved and the only love I've known was either those who broke my trust in the worst ways, my dad who showed affection though buying it, or my husband who shows affection mainly through financial support and tends to shy from expressions of distress. 

Through most of my life I've loathed myself, and, yes, at some point I accepted myself physically,  but not as a whole. That came recently (and those moments of insecurity, as you've read, never stay away entirely). Still, I begun to show my self-respect by treating my nails so I can't tear my skin off like I do or treating myself to facials to making sure my hair is dyed and so on. It's how I am surviving; it's how I'm finally crawling out of the pit. It's not that I don't care about debt and bills; it's that I need to get better. Treating myself like a human, who deserves to be here, is so goddamned important. 

My therapist goes on and on about my myriads of talents, knowledge, experience, and crazy-high i.q., so... I'm getting a real job. I guess it'll be around people more often and use my powers for good. Hopefully, when I'm doing my thing, I'll have enough confidence that it won't cost so much to survive, but we all need to do what we can to live another day. 

~DC