The Sum and the Parts

I just realized for the first time that today, September 14, 2013, I feel like a whole person. It's a strange experience. 

I had a huge Disassociative Disorder, to the point where, I spent most of my life viewing myself like I was someone else looking at me. If I were walking, dressing, bending, or having sex, it was all in third person - outside of my body. Things still happened to me and I watched, like a movie. I guess I still protected myself then.

My next step was in the late 2000s when I finally stepped into my head. Where I used to dress to please others, I dress to please me and screw the world. It's also when I began modeling to please me too. I broke off from what I'd done before and made it a hobby - solely from the heart, for the sake of creativity and not to impress anyone but myself. I've done my best work since.

There's one thing that I didn't realize I needed to overcome: my bosom.  I had no idea how much I relied on it for approval until today. Modeling, for me, has weighed heavily on them as a draw. People flip if I do one photo without them in it, and to that I've said, "hey, they can't all have it." Now, though, that pressure is entirely gone. 

In the week since my mega-flashback, I've worn more conservative tops where I never had before without noting until, well, I noticed. Before then, I felt "wrong" if I weren't showing several cups of cleavage, and creepy if I weren't. This week, however, though I've been cleavage-free, I've been snappily-dressed, and charming, creative, helpful, and smart. This week I realized I didn't need them. They're like... the flashy part distracting from the substantial sum.

I doesn't mean I'll ever resort to minimizers or, like, never show them ever again. From my life I can truthfully say people who get their undies in a bunch over someone appreciating a grown woman's cleavage have no fricking idea what real problems are.

... but, that said, they're not my crutch anymore.  

~DC