Flashbacks R Us

So I've been officially declared not Bi-Polar and taken off of those drugs. Yay. My anti-depressants have been kicked up and I haven't flown through the roof or anything.

I've had two flashbacks since this new regimen and, well, I was on vacation during the first. I was able to acknowledge it and walk past it. I kindof had a feeling it was coming - like cracks in the wall had been showing, but I couldn't see the whole picture. The one I had today just came in a rush and I feel like I've been hit with a hammer again. 

I never thought anything like that happened, or when it did, and I was totally taken by surprise.
Fuck.

I'm having a hard time writing, or thinking, but I thought, just maybe, getting it out would help somehow. I just can't let this take me down.... again.

I suppose the first one might have been easier because it was a slow reveal. I had a feeling about it, then little bits of a scene, before I saw it all. I still don't have the complete context as to why he did it.

I originally remember the official story: his cat had gotten out and disappeared. What I remembered now (the real story) was that he walked she and I down to the river and smashed her head in front of me as a reminder to keep my mouth shut. Then he threw her in and made sure I told everyone she went missing. The thing is, I really don't know if I'd actually done anything to earn that; sometimes he'd do things just to be cruel. I know I tried to say things to my parents without saying it, but they never payed attention. If it was a picture, they'd burn it, so... anyway, I don't suppose it matters. 

I've worried about being able to brush that off, but as I write it I'm feeling rather ill. 

Haunted by ghosts.

On to today, though. 

When I was a teenager, while I was upstairs alone, I felt hands grab me and throw me down on my bed and hold me there. It happened somewhat frequently. Hands grabbed my throat or my shoulder from behind, making me jump, but nobody was ever there. I believed, at the time, that it was ghosts. I may not have been too far off.  I was in his old room.

Today I remembered a time when I was 8. He was 16, and he'd moved out of the house to be with his girlfriend and future wife. She might even have been pregnant at the time. He came to visit and had a look around my room before, out of nowhere, grabbing me, throwing me down, and actually raping me. I remember him saying afterward, "sorry, I don't have time for more." (After, he threw my panties at me and said all friendly-like, "Come down. You wouldn't want anyone to think anything BAD happened or anything." All the while, downstairs, he smiled, and I pretended *so* hard not to be in pain.)

The actual event had to have taken minutes, but I seriously never thought we had that type of contact. I suppose it's possible we didn't until then; he'd always had a fondness for sharp objects instead. That could be what the comment meant, but.. oh, man, I have no way of knowing now. I mean, it's possible now.

My mind keeps revealing things I seriously just don't want to know. I mean, it explains some things - fears, behaviors. Still, when someone makes it their mission to destroy you (straight from his mouth), what the hell is going to be next?

~DC

Doing over the do over.

So what if you could live your 20s over again? Like, say, it sucked and you had a chance for a "do over" 20 years later. That's where I find myself. 

Yeah, I know that sounds weird, and deserves and explanation. 

My Therapist calls it going through an important stage of life that I never got to because of childhood trauma. In my early 20s, I relived my childhood. I was married to a pedophile, and spent my time playing Barbies with my niece because I didn't remember my childhood. My late 20s I spent drinking and playing the star, but I was terribly miserable playing it straight. My early 30s fell right into a pit of flashbacks and depression, but later I discovered school which took the edge off. Nine years later I'm just now clawing myself entirely into the light and, for the first time ever, wanting to take my life by the horns.

The only thing is... now, when I talk about self expression and tattoos and work and leaving the nest and not compromising myself, everyone hears someone in their 20s. It isn't just that, though. Looking at me, everyone sees  someone in their early/mid 20s. I am in all ways, but in memory, college age. So, I've been wondering what will I do if I now that I can do those years over again? 

Do over the do over. 

The possibilities are awesome.

~DC

Who Can I Be Now?

It's been awhile. It's funny how you think, or you hope, you might have answers when the answers are always in front of you. It's okay though. 

If only the co-pays had been that much.

I saw my new Psychiatrist. It took long enough with all of his cancellations, but finally... after 3 months of dodging my bullet I saw him. I knew he was skeptical at first since he'd been briefed by my old Psychiatrist. He knew a lot had gone down, and in truth she made me sound raving. He listened, though. 

I told him how my former Therapist had been unethical - insisting the only reason I said I was gay because of my abuse (not to mention that my first crush and every attraction except he-that-shant-be-named was female) and went on to say that I didn't have PTSD, causing me to look it up on the Veteran's website and try to prove it to her. I went on to tell my Psychiatrist about her behavior, to which she, at first, became upset since she'd made the diagnosis years previous. When I returned, though, she became upset at me when I mentioned seeing a cognitive therapist and said my lack of results with my former one was that I "wasn't consistent" with my visits. 

I was very upset when I left then, but when she called my new cognitive therapist who I've been having excellent results with and began asking probing near unethical questions, I pulled the plug. 

Starting over is never easy, even when you're doing well. 

She's out there, somewhere.

I'd just come out of the closet less just over a week ago, and even though my current relationship is friendly and supportive, there's still a bit of nervous energy on my end. Right now I'm looking for work and planning for the future. There's finally hope that I can really be with someone I feel right with. It is a bit complicated when I care so much about who I'm with, but again, I mentioned trust.

So, there's finally a light at the end of this long, long dark tunnel thanks so much to this cognitive therapy, but opening up to new people always has me down.

I talked to him about the idea of ADD, but after listening to everything I had to say about growing up and how life is, he said, well... the lady before him was nuts to think I was Bi-Polar (so scratch that), and everything he sees is someone suffering from PTSD. That's never been in doubt, but I guess I never saw it applied that way before. I suppose, someone on edge all the time might just react all scatterbrained. /shrug

It's made me think a lot more about it. I've had to adapt a lot - deal with other personalities and integrate them, do a lot of reality testing to deal with the world, and find out the hard way how people relate. I guess it's good I'm smart. 

There's a lot of places I go, while I never look like the people around me, I almost fit in. I get along and talk to people and they like me, and I teach them something wonderful I know, but they never have any idea - can't even imagine. You know, I even wonder how I can be so positive sometimes. Human spirit, huh?

~DC