Gaming, Healing, and White Knights

          Anonymity. That's what people seem to want from people like me - even people championing my cause. They don't want to know what we really need or want or feel; they want a badge that says they're a good person for not allowing "dark themes" or "violence towards women" in their space. 
          

"Stop contradicting me, peasant!"

           I'll work t'words my point.

           Yes, I'm a girl gamer. I've been a role-player since I was 16, but in my day I was the burnout nobody messed with so nobody blinked at it. I also had Disassociative Identity Disorder. Of course my family thought I was just acting out, and many in my superstitious town thought I was possessed by demons, but I was broken. These were parts of me I'd developed to deal with the trauma and keep the memories I couldn't handle.

             In the game, though, I played several unique characters at once, keeping each ones' lives and memories separate from each-others . For my characters, I decided to use my alter-egos. Somehow, the act of putting them on paper and "acting them", with my knowledge, in a fantasy setting, made them fake. Without knowing, or trying, I eventually became whole.

            My psychologist acknowledged the moment as my gravitation t'word healing.

             In the early 2000s I was playing again, and found myself playing a super heroine who rescued children from, and slaughtered, pedophiles and a spoiled necromancer whose lusts for the undead and the death of her royal family knew no bounds. I began to gravitate more into evil and morally ambiguous roles so I could attempt to understand why people do what they do. No topic was too taboo, and for that there is a reason that I can't seem to make anyone understand.

           Here's where I get back to my point: There are people who refuse to even broach dark, violent, or rapacious themes because they don't want to hurt or offend anyone. They wear this philosophy proudly; they are the protectors of the abused, until one steps in... which I was foolish enough to do. 

            I tried, as the only qualified person, to explain how gaming, and delving into dark themes helped me recover some and work through some things. I wondered how, after what I'd been through, words describing a violent or sexual event could hurt me. I questioned how anything anyone did or said at a gaming table, in a safe, imaginary space, could "make anything worse" - especially someone who's far too familiar with reality.

           Suddenly, I was ignored, and worse - accused of "not gaming for fun" and "wearing my PTSD like a badge of pride". I was the shit-disturber again. It almost felt like home. :-) It did feed my cynical side some more, though... like it needed it. That's why I'm anonymous here, though. Nobody wants to hear, and someone's always accused me of something for talking. I don't know why anyone would share this if it weren't hard and meaningful, but welcome to my life. 

I'm kindof used to it.

-DC