Crime and Constant Punishment

          I honestly thought that my days of bleeding for forgiveness were over. I made myself suffer in some hope  that the sins I'd claimed as my own would be forgotten.  I was wrong. I just realized last night that I still keep doing it again and again and again. 

        The funny thing is, I've always related to Tory Amos' song "Crucify", though I never was into her music - it resonated DEEP. 

Every day, I crucify myself.

.


..."I've been looking for a savior in these dirty streets
Looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets
I've been raising up my hands
Drive another nail in
Got enough guilt to start
My own religion
Why do we
Crucify ourselves
Every day
I crucify myself
Nothing I do is good enough for you
Crucify myself
Every day
And my heart is sick of being in chains"

          I've always seen the "you" as "Me". Nothing I ever do will be good enough for "Me" - to make me feel worthwhile. I can make radio and television and magazines and be embraced in the top scholastic honor societies, but I need to keep proving to myself, and everyone else, that I'm loathsome and worthless. I need people to confirm to me how I much of a lowlife I am over and over. I keep doing things to make my life more difficult, to make my work harder, to miss opportunities, and to make people I love angry with me because deep down I can't forgive myself for something I couldn't stop. I keep making myself suffer because I deserve to suffer.

          I've done cognitive therapy before and I know these thoughts don't face logic well. I think, I'm going to look for a savior in a cognitive therapist's office.

-DC