Me Time

As I mentioned, I was so abused as a child that, although I'm amazingly functional now at 40, I'm developmentally in my 20s. My husband is about my age, but he's set in his ways and concerned about security, while I want to express myself and embrace independence.  Further, though, I'm an ISFP: a freedom-loving, live-and-let-live kindof introvert. I need alone time, uninterrupted, to process life. If I'm allowed "me time" (and that's not work or the commute), I find I'm excited about "us time", but if I'm not, I'm struggling to squeeze bits of "me time" into every second and doing "us time" because I *have to* makes nobody is happy. 

I'm working full time now, which is a stresser - dealing with people so much. Then I come home and deal with someone all the time when I want silence to recoup from a long day full of people. 

I understand a person has needs, but I feel like I'm about to explode and it's not his fault for wanting companionship out of (god forbid) a relationship. When I'm running in the red in my socialization tank, though, I just can't do it.

He says I need to tell him when I need time alone and for how long, specifically. He does it, "I'm going to go do this now." I have to. I'm so not used to being so blunt; it's... disturbing. I guess it's having learned not to say no, but it's what I need. 

I have to admit, I'm also a bit resentful since I'm unable to express myself as I need to due to his need for security. My tattoos are an important part of my identity now, and being stifled in that area is really, really holding back my development and making me explode everywhere else. My shopping has been out of control, trying to express myself in other ways. I'm trying to reign it in, because that could be tattoo money... that is, if I believed it ever will be. He says we have to just budget for it, and that's all there is to it. The budget is looking better, but I've been both exploding and losing hope.

Anyway, something needs to work out. Schedules, money, whatever. We're trying to make the cats happy in their environment; I want to be happy too. :-(

~DC