AD&D, 5th Edition

So this is ADD.

I like this better. Can I trade? :D

Even when I was a kid, everyone I knew said I had it half-teasingly. I was the child who you hear throwing screaming fits in the toystore. Yep. Me. The difference is when I did it, my Mother shoved honey down my throat until I passed out from a blood sugar overdose. 

As I said, I was reading and writing by two and doing Algebra in kindergarten, but damned if I could tie my shoes. I was a good kid, as long as I had a pencil and paper with me, but if I had to sit too long through anything boring (like church) you could believe a fit was on. Boredom still means I have to change or create friction. 

By 5th grade I quit studying and doing homework while acing my tests. That was good enough. The district had put the kabosh on moving kids ahead in class, which sucked because they'd planned to move me ahead two grades the year before; I think that would have helped a LOT. As it was I was a "brilliant girl who didn't apply herself", and by 8th grade I began skipping whole weeks, then whole years. I refused to participate in classes so I could get sent to the quiet of in-school, or because the teacher was a jerk. I got in fights, did drugs and partied. I also took a lot of my time out to study, though... things that interested me, like Czarist Russia and Egyptology.

See, I could focus when I was interested. That was one thing a 9th grade English teacher didn't get. I'd always looked like trouble - shaved and or colored hair, piercings, spikes, torn nylons, dark/theatrical makeup. People come to knee-jerk conclusions about kids like those sometimes. She was one who was hard on me before even reading an assignment. So, strong proponent of "what's good for the goose", I decided she'd get what she gave. I marked her "one of those" teachers that I'd pick on to get into the sweet, sweet silence of in-school suspension ... a place where I could think. :-) 

Some teachers. 

One day she handed out logic problems to finish for next time. I LOVED logic problems and started on it right away. Then, she told us to get into groups of 4, and that meant working with preppies. This was a perfect opportunity to get my ticket to in-school, so I stayed still in my desk and kept working on my problem. My "team" (which I'm the "I" there isn't) called for me, but told them they'd do fine with out me and shot them a smile. Eventually she called me up to her desk where I told her I wasn't going to do what she asked. She asked why not and I said, "I have more interesting things to do... like my Social Studies assignment or this cool logic problem; I'm done with that by the way." "It's only been 5 minutes! There's no way you can be done. You have to have gotten a lot wrong; bring it here." So I did. As she inspected it, I saw her face turn new shades of red, but she had to give it a perfect grade... before sending me to in-school. 

As I said, I skipped the next few years of school except for a couple weeks here or there. I always had more important things to do. I only graduated through a college where I walked in and aced the HSED, without studying  mind you, in 2 days. For the record, I CLEPed through English 101 & 102, without studying, before starting college as well... 16 years later.

Oh, those Wild-West days.

Keep in mind, this whole time my family didn't get on me. They didn't have the right, as far as I was concerned, and rightly so. Teachers were concerned that I was being abused, but my mother brushed it off. Some rare teachers saw a bunch of potential and worked *with* me, and in return, I gave them my best. Still, I left school into a spotty work record.

I've never been used to structure. Nobody made me get up for school; when they did I was always late. (Worse, I was in pain and stressed out from the abuse.) So, when I was a teen, I came and went as I pleased, and did what I wanted, where and when and I was accountable to no one. 

Marriage CHAFED. Work CHAFED. ...And I discovered my true love, modeling, the one all-

Strike a pose.

pervasive thing that's in my head always - colors, backgrounds, moods and presentation of clever concepts. When I was at the factory I thought about makeup, at home I thought about locations. My mind was busy when I threw that slab of bacon into the pan and burned the living crap out of my arm... yeah. 

When people talk I have a hard time hearing past all of these thoughts - the more that's going on, the worse it is. Sports bar + game time = Complete static. I like to say, I only have so many CPUs and it doesn't take much to tap them out. Music and work, I can handle. Music plus talk plus work means it all goes to static. Forget talking and television - both get shut out. Forgetting things at the store (or just forgetting things), getting fidgety during watching or someone's long-winded descriptions, missing things when cleaning, etc etc., hasn't been a huge problem until recently. 

Nobody really chided me over my life. My parents didn't care, spouses didn't seem to notice until now. Now, I'm expected to clean and pay bills and do laundry and dishes and all of these things I can never seem to find time for. What's *really* frustrating is, I can never seem to find time for things I want to do either! I've worked up schedule after schedule that shows how many free hours I have a week, but they've never made a difference.

For all of the lists, schedules, inspiring comments, etc. I've posted on my walls, I still have never been able to be consistent with anything. My husband's gone on about this flaw over and over again. It's been a major source of pain and contention with us. He's said I don't care about him because I don't take care of him, and what else could I do but wonder? He says I don't listen and wondered if I have a learning disability. ...but he didn't know. WE didn't know.

In this book I'm reading accounts of those with ADD and how their lives were, and how their loved ones acted until they found out. It's hitting way too close to home. Maybe now, just maybe, I can get out from under this - maybe we can - and that can help me get out from under the PSTD too, because I didn't know it, but this is a mighty heavy anvil.

~DC