Depression Days Are Here Again

I'm seeking my Cognitive Therapist, and I've been doing well. Heck, I've been in a good mood and she seems to think I'm a "positive person". I was surprised, but on the whole I believed it. I'd been letting things roll off my back, not taking things so seriously or personally, and not feeling so gloomy.

It's only recently that I'd come to that point after my flashback in August. It took *months* to bounce back, (and I'm not the same whenever I do), but months is less than usual.


My husband's about at the end of his rope with my lack of attention to the house. I dunno. As much as I think housewivery is a thankless job reserved for mothers (okay, raising the next generation is useful) and people who are less than nobody with no more use to humankind. We have a differing opinion of mess, too. He was raised in a white-glove home while I was raised in a Lovecraftian nightmare, so... our versions of "lived in", i.e. "comfortable" don't quite meet up. Has allergies that say they should. He's right, but the fights we've been having on it have shaken my foundation. When that happens I flail.

I started looking for a real job. I started out excited about one, in particular. After all, it was in my wheelhouse and would give me experience in the field in which I plan to spend the rest of my life. I wouldn't be making much, but it's the hours I'm most awake (big plus), and I reeeeally think I'd love it. Suddenly, though, as the arguments went on about my failures at home, I felt like I couldn't do it. I kept thinking I'd forget things. I'd make my referrers look bad. I'd quit in no time. 


I had his blessing and his support on the work, so now it was me saying I couldn't - over and over. I was saying I wasn't capable of handling a minimum wage job, as much as I'd enjoy it.

I crawled out of bed at one today, and forced myself to apply because the thing is I know I'd rock at it... if I just gave myself the chance. I normally can convince myself I'll rock at everything but stuff I *loathe*. I wish I had some of that confidence bottled for now, when I'm feeling like this, so I can get out of bed, shower, dress, and maybe pretend normalcy.

~DC