Bottoming From the Bottom

In BDSM, it's said that the Submissive "tops from the bottom", or, they get what they want but allowing the Dominant take over and take care of them.

This didn't work for me. In fact, I just realized the moment when my mind correlated my husband with "Big Brother". It's not his fault. Neither of us knew at the time the extent of my abuse, but the reactions were always present. I just never knew why I acted the way I did in relation to certain things.

When we met I was, admittedly coming out of a confusing relationship. It had been seven years of me being the dominant one, at least in that area. I didn't understand being any other way; it's my natural state, which I've had to subsume. But not a week before, I learned he'd molested my Neice and left in a minute and a huff.

I'd never been freaked out during adult, consensual sex before. Bored as fuck, but not freaked out. When he tried to put shackles on me I panicked and tried to stall as long as I could. When he strangled me during sex, I closed my eyes, tried to pretend it wasn't happening, and tried so very hard to sleep. I imagine that's what I did when my brother strangled me, as often as he did. I spent a lot of time depressed then. As I recall, my primary alter,  Khrysti, returned for a short time around then, too. Funny. I just remembered that as I was writing...

Anyway, like I said in the last post, I need control. I think it goes doubly, triply for something so intimate.

My insides were so scarred up that I could never enjoy anything inside on top of straight sex not triggering my brain. It seems, at the moment, that these experiences may have tripped me in the worst way by tying him to the past. I wonder if knowing will help? I wonder if that's, subconsciously, why I rally against him so much, because I have no other reason...

He's my best friend and my rock.

~DC